Tuesday, December 26, 2023

 There, look, I say to me, 

and I look. 


I see blue, lavender—life. 

And stare 

      at that horizon's calm gaze. 

Like leopard eyes. 


Bright and then brighter

      and then dimmer and darker

as clouds part 

and re-gather . 


I promise to stay 

     here,

in this moment of clouds 

and swells 


not in the last moment, 

     not 1000 moments past,

nor in the next.


I will not squander this moment

      with its music of wind chasing wind, 

bird calling bird, 

water washing rock. 


yes .... yes I can do this, 

      I will, do this.


I will kneel at the altar 

     of this moment. 

 
No other. 

Friday, December 8, 2023

Don't ask me how I'm feeling.

  Don't ask me how I'm feeling.

       Just don't ask.

Because I'm reeling.


No, no ask me...please.... ask!

     Because I’ll tell you

even if  you don't inquire,

even though I'm drained

of all routine desire.


I want to tell you. I really do.

     I don't want to be alone

emoting so much blue.


 I need to report it.

     Or should I say, deport it.


What is the right word

     for all my anguish?


What explains this weeping?

     This mood unrelenting, creeping

as a shadow 

follows me around


from my bedroom to the kitchen,

     From the market to the plaza?


I know the diagnosis—it is Gaza. 


Thursday, November 30, 2023

Privileges


I start the day by eating toast 

with avocado instead of egg 

to begin a new ritual in my new 

moss green kitchen 


where I hang a gold and blue image

of Our lady of Guadalupe 

to save me from misfortune 

because I have always been superstitious 


and now grateful 

that I don’t live anywhere near

Palestine, Ohio 

where a homeowner with a bad cough 


took a microphone and told the

CEO of Norfolk Southern 

that his company stinks. 


I too have a right to feel wounded 

by miseries bursting from pipes 

and potholes and cracked sidewalks 

across my state.

 

Inside me a loud cry

will not cease 

for I know there

is no savior, no path away


from slumped bodies tossed  

under feeways by big owners.

of everything.


The smoke of small fires drifts out 

from the underpasses 

so we cannot forget 

who sleeps there. 


But I have avocados, sonnets, 

leaves from Lake Chabot, a grandchild,

a plane ticket. 


I can look but not get

away. 

Meteorology


I only need to hear 
the first three notes 
in his voice to know 
he speaks the truth about his homework
so I say, Ok Have another 
of whatever he is asking for.  

My little man hasn’t figured out 
how well I know him.  
He doesn’t realize his First Grade heart beats 
inside a glass cage for all to see.  

He tells me, Miss Robbins says 
she has eyes 
in the back of her head 
but I think she’s just kidding, don’t you?

I am the meteorologist of his moods. 
I know what he’ll say and what he’ll do 
until the day a shadow darkens his upper lip. 

That’s when he changes passwords 
on all his devices. 
And when the How would I know? answer 
shoots down my every question.  

Warnings, slow, like a truck beeping in reverse. 
And then one night the roof blows open. 

A spray of cologne announces 
a blunt has just been lit.  
And the whispers of a girl wake me
in the middle of the night. 

Each dawn pulls him further from 
the glass cage into a steel vault
and me wondering, must I love
him harder or with more ease?

The answer, like an engine 
in a rusty old car, 
turns and turns but never catches.

Saturday, November 4, 2023

Cicadas

 When facebook flashes pictures of him 

I posted 10 years ago, or 7, or even only 4,

an ache moves through me.  


My eyes fix on the picture, enlarge it 

with my thumb and finger for a closer look 

at this adorable being I lost. 


No he is not dead.  

Grown. But isn’t that a death?

The child body is shed. 

The caterpillar is no more. 


It makes me a little weak to see 

him again. That funny expression that 

amused us all.  

The musings sung to me—

so in love we were! 


A child grows noiselessly, 

in smoke as if by a spell—

all in one night pulled 

into the mystery. 


The force is in them, 

stirring them up, making them tall & hairy 

& hooded--making them say mean things 

and then apologize.


 I wish babies would hatch 

—not one beauty at a time —

but like cicadas—by the millions.


Not just one grinning, toothless, 

skipping boy-- but millions 

exactly like him 

all springing from the earth


every few years, 

high singing, buzzing.


The school reports

The school reports my teen man 

missing again.  I wonder 

what am I supposed to do 

with this new bullet of hurt? 

Peace with him now as brief 

as a traffic stop before 

the next bad news.  


Is there any use to sit 

on the edge of his bed to talk?   

Or to grab his stack of curls and pull 

him to the floor like my mother 

did to mine?


In the beginning, he never disobeyed 

or snarled or cursed.  

I thought it such a blessing 

but now I ask the thin air all around, 

was that a clue I missed--

some kind of secret suffering? 


Who knows why his future 

shows up like this—the days 

of sweet behavior giving way to vaping 

and mating in the back seat.  


Surely that good-kid blood still 

flows through his veins. 

All that light of heaven he 

once shared freely 

he may share again—

tho less evenly, less often—coerced 

by the dictatorship of

change.

Friday, August 11, 2023

In a poetry workshop

 

The poet to my right coils and uncoils.

Flattens her chest against the table.

Crosses and uncrosses her legs.

She just can’t contain 

herself in a single form when she

speaks of her mean lovers.


Not her on my left with a penchant

for all the other hard things in life, 

which she reads to us with 

spine straight as a rod.

Her whole body pleading,

Please don’t hurt me.


Another sits deadpan. 

Life has scraped her clean. 

Taken her apart bone by bone.

Washed and dressed her

and set her down across from me.


Her poems fidget. Search 

for a place for the pain to start.

She asks, Can someone help me?


We writers model courtesy, self-control. 

There’s not one carnival vibe among us. 


We don’t even blink when our teacher

tells us he will soon be dying.


On command we pick up our pens--

our rescue—

And write down his prompt—Mercy. 

And then beg for it 

shamelessly.

Corporate mergers

Microsoft buys Activision; Kroger buys Albertsons; AT&T buys CNN, HBO, Cartoon Network, TBS, TNT; Warner Bros, Disney buys Marvel, Lucasfilm, 20th Century Fox; Google buys smaller things, Comcast buys everything else


Another merger, just as the prophet 

Marx predicted.

   

Capital never sleeps. 

In continuous motion, sucking all 

its forked and flicking tongue 

can bag in this craving 


 for omnipotence 

over nations, over new planets.

 Soon over Black Holes.


And we the ruined shops and souls 

are just their fuel.


And we the stars that twitch

then vanish over their event horizons, 

are torn into indivisible bits


where once we were whole beings 

who created all manner of angels and spheres

to save us from all manner of hells 


but who are so frail

before a force

that swallows light itself.

Tuesday, June 27, 2023

What's ahead

The old warned us there’s deprivation

up ahead 

that worsens with time.


Parents, pets, friends--all we love--

carried away

and our own sweet bodies 

a shock in the mirror.


They did not mention a sunset on the Bay 

could bring more peace than a

striving young heart 

could know 

just by placing one foot after the other

along the pebbled beach,

my friend laughing beside me;

a picnic of lamb chops and mango waiting 

in my backpack for a shady spot. 

Everything needed provided.


But on this sunset my friend turns her face 

from the glow and says,

 I‘ve got 15 summers left, 

if i'm lucky. 


So she plans her summers with care now.  

Each a precious stone kept safe from thieves.


I was angry at my mother for not coming

that month I lay pinned to a hospital bed.

But how could I know it was her last summer?

A summer of curated movements. 


I wish I had not argued with my man that June 

he tripped on the sidewalk 

when it took precious summer days to heal. 

We did not know it was his last June. 

How could we have known that in October 

the sun would set at six and not rise again?


One by one they walked out of this house—

or were carried out. 

The oldest daughter, then her sister, brother

my mother,  

……..my husband, my dear, my man, my angel.


And now the final leaving--our boy's packing   

and this house enlarges as with every departure.  


It's a castle now: ceilings sky high, hallway 

a cavern--the whole place a relic, 

unsound and useless. 


Selfie


If only I could live wide awake, 

every moment clear between these

ears and eyes.


So time would quiet down, 

so it would move slowly on hands and knees. 


If tasks, news, many silly things

did not hold me in a drowsy  trance


where time zip-lines away

so it is always the  past.

 

How to keep this mind tuned 

to the shapes of clouds, 

to the skunks that nibble from the cat’s bowl, 

the struggling camilla, 

chimes I hung above it


and after read a poem out loud 

about why there’s nothing to be sad about 

then write another about the worm

glistening on the deck 

and mention all the things I'm grateful for


and so turn time into my own loving friend 

 rather than this foe

who steals all I love. 


Acrobatics



A machine keeps him alive 

now that his kidneys can't

and he endures this 

without a mother 

(She would have nursed him 

like no other). 


He has only me, wife, and the machine, 

both second best but we keep him going

on this tightrope, we keep him swinging,

rebounding—we keep life on its tip toes.


On his bad days, I tell him:

Just look at the weeds shooting up from the patio 

pushing through the odds.

Look how the blind bats catch a meal 

in the pitch of night, 

how the mushroom explodes overnight 

in the junk yard.


Life abides. He likes to hear this.

So I repeat: Life goes on by the grace 

of some generous force.

It stages comebacks, abandons reason,

and drags on stubbornly, 

flying in the teeth of it all.




Friday, June 16, 2023

The generals

 The generals say 200,000 soldiers 

died, as many have been wounded.


He does not say how he counted 

100,000 twice 

or how sure he is the dead 

and partial dead 

are evenly divided between 

Russia & Ukraine.   


He says Autumn has turned 

the solid ground to mud so tanks 

with sons and lovers all will sink & 

that makes further slaughter 

tough.  


This seems the time to call a truce 

but the generals want their sides

to hunker down 

and wait for earth to freeze 

and then begin to kill again, 

with much more ease.  


He never lets out a wish, a sigh

for peace, the peace of doves drifting 

to the ground. 


If it were me, I‘d  ask for that—

a quiet season for those still living 

men and boys.

I would send them home to autumn 

on their lawns of gold.  


I wonder if the fighters love their lives

as much as I love mine—I would never choose 

death in any season, 

most especially not in the Zen 

of Autumn skies.    


The already dead —all 200,000 

known, loved, now wept for —

have made the low beds 

they now must sleep in.  


No recanting, too late to demand a truce—

tho if there were a God, they could.  


The sunken tanks as useless as their bones

and TV viewers who cheer the generals on

will never have to see teeth gleaming in the mud 

under an autumn sky made hellish 

red with death,  


A pair

A pair of fancy sneakers

can make a boy of 12 float up 

into the clouds & feel the outstretched arms

of screaming fans.  


None of the other kids I raised 

complained about Payless shoes 

but this last child would rather walk barefoot

across a live power line.  


So, because he’s very shy, 

because he pleads for a taste

of the world’s love, 


I agree to buy a pair of Jordans 

that cost more than 

the monthly payment 

for my Honda CRV.  


Then he wears them every day 

until the sole splits from the foxing.


You could say he fell in love 

with his shoes 

without which he would return 

to his old life 

as a ghost. 


The shoes make him real. 

They bless his life. 

Or something like that.  


But any moment now 

he’ll see the love the world gives 

won’t come this easily again.  


All who have sought it know 

the world’s passions wear thin. 

Thinner than the soles on his 


sneakered feet.  

.


Two old women

Here by the beach, two women


eat fish tacos 

at the next table

as the sun sets 

& the breeze plays with their hair.

 

They must be 85 but still dining out, 

still smiling, sipping. 


Whatever has aggrieved them, 

whatever has left 

their hearts blind or broken

has not destroyed them.  

 

Here they are, saying little

but feeling this earth just

enough to fill ne more page 

in their diary,

enough to knit one more poem 

with a morning latte, 


about how a stranger smiled at them

as they watched the sun

turn the sky blood-red and 

slide behind them. 


Thursday, June 15, 2023

Marianne Williamson is running for president

 Marianne serves herself up on a half shell, raw and true.  

Proudly calloused

    from the last campaign, she makes 

    her grand return by noting

streets are littered with more bodies 

than cigarette butts.


By noting Americans want

     to live a normal life 

     yet feel the shade 

of ruin nearby. 


And so Marianne confronts the powerful

        and calls for mercy.  

     Marianne overcomes despair

with spiritual ideas 

like love 

      which the powerful dismiss 

      as beneath them. 


Marianne carves up their coldness 

      and swears that

      kindness can heal the cold-eyed 

exchange of money. 


To Marianne, the campaign is a crusade 

and the podium her pulpit 

      and politics is for all the people.


Marianne cries for the ways

    we have been abandoned

by the leaders. 


Their promises passed down 

      and around, 

like clothes in a washer. 


She says don’t believe things

they say that hurt you 

        but believe in something 

that will not hurt you. 


Marianne ought to rein supreme. 

But the party thinks not. 

They mock her.  


I dream of Marianne basking 

in the media-curated sunlight, 

        of the whole nation holding her ideas

in its palms. 


And Marianne saying, Thank you all 

     for coming, 

     for being  raw and true.  

      

For knowing all lives matter.  






Answers

 This shapeless blowing wind

      wide 

 and high—


so refreshing that

     the moment froze 


and then the rising, 

     falling 

wind began

     anew


across the desert 

of my skin 

     over the hills 

of my cheeks. 


Gentle currents

in glowing 

    shapes  

flowing silent 

     as fish

and then 

they hurry 

    over me—


a perfect moment, 

giving me this 

    answer 

to everything.





Saturday, March 11, 2023

And in other news


The reporter tosses gruesome headlines 

at the camera.  

I can tell she‘s reading

the teleprompter

line for line. 


Her blond hair drapes down

her chest, stopping on her heart. 


She has a good make-up artist.  

Together they can rule the world.  


“Ten shot dead,” says she

as if the sorry dead of ten 

were a sorry nest of mice.  


I can’t imagine her

as somebody’s mother.  Real life

reeks too much for her.  

Real life smells like tuna.  


But she drones on. 

Ten other victims wounded.  

And in other news, the Lakers win

another round.  


And  I think, she ought to say,

People, people

This is the 34th mass shooting 

so far this year.  


She ought to add—And the year is just beginning. 

She should say this in a voice that’s breaking.  

She should touch her heart and say,

I cannot bear to talk about the Lakers.

For that, come back another day. 


But there’s no chance at all 

of changing how she 

arranges her words 

till they taste ok.  


She forgot what truth sounds like.

The pay is that good.  



Follow me

 They’re all gone now

and Self, we have almost forgotten

the excitements in this house


Three generations. 

Three merry, quixotic kids.  

A black Lab that loved salads.  

The baby suddenly 

on the scene (after the daughter parachutes

into skid row)—and then 

there are more of us 

to fall in and out of love with 

every day.  

Every day. 


More dental visits, more hands to hold,

more apologies, more praying in the middle of the night. 

In the night.  


Blurry days between one decade 

and the next. 

Sometimes doves sing in our windows, 

sometimes cop cars stop by.   

Sometimes silence just waits 

out there. 

Waits. Waits. 


Grandma dies. 

The kids find mates.  

And one copper sunset, the husband 

sits still as a moon rock.  

A moon rock.  


And for the first time, dear Self, 

you make coffee for one.  

Just one. 


And for a long time, you read the paper feeling 

him in the next chair 

until one day truth 

seems less paranormal 

and you remember his green chili omelettes 

only on his birthday.  

His birthday. 


And then you ask and ask and ask

when should we leave that house 

and we wait and wait 

for a signal

from the forest, from the ball of yarn, 

from the olive oil, from the twigs, 

from the dead squirrel on the sidewalk.  

On the sidewalk. 


Until that rainy night 

it comes in the candle, 

in the red halo of the wick. 

The house looks different. 

Less familiar. Less young. Less ours.  

Less. Less. Less.   


And we are overcome with the vision 

of  a small boat, a light wind on the boat, 

a motor humming:  

Follow me. Follow me.  


So we empty the closets, 

pack the trophies, 

shut the blinds, 

and lock the doors  

Lock, lock,  the doors.  


And I remember him. 

Dear husband, Where do you 

sleep tonight? Tonight? 


I want to believe. 

Believe. Believe.  


Thursday, March 9, 2023

We will always love each other

 I am the master and all he needs 

is a gentle Please clean up your room 

and he cleans up his room and 

when I say, Let’s give these Canada geese a chase

he becomes the wind.


From his Halloween bucket he offers me treats.

I only take candies I know he doesn't like 

and he says: 

 

We will always love each other because 

we don’t like the same things. 


Of that boy there is nothing now. 

Not a hair of him, not a finger print, no forensics. 

Just photos and diary notes 

remain as my proof 

to the cops he was really here.

 

All of him carried away with his small teeth 

by the Fairy in her talons. 


And then a bold freed slave appears at the door.

Bushy and tall, demanding his rights, some appalling.


So sudden. This manhood. As sudden

as the strike of a match.

It takes a while to recover from a death, 

from grief. 

 

But I do. 


Already he redecorates the bedroom

and uses his unmade bed for a hamper. 


Yesterday I say, Welcome to my home


It was starting to get lonely.

Breaking News: Kroger to buy Albertsons

Another merger, just as the prophet 

     Marx predicted.


Capital never sleeps. 

     In continuous motion


to suck all that its forked 

     and flicking tongue 


can reach in its craving to beceome

     multinational, multi-planet--


all-dominant universes —Black Holes.

     (Let's give them names--Walmart. Chevron. Disney.)


And we the ruined shops and souls 

     are their fuel.


And we are the stars that twitch then

    vanish over their event horizons, 


torn into invisible bits

    where once we were whole beings 


who created all manner of gods and angels 

     to save us from all manner of hells 


but who are helpless before a force

    that swallows light itself.

All my life, the numbers who suffer grow

Nor can the little ones escape.

In fact theirs will be worse:

the climate will sweep away their bodies 

like wind sweeps up the sage brush


but still they angle for jobs that will kill them. 

The lettuce fields, Quick Stops, 

the meat packers and

old secretaries and truckers with bad backs

and huge co-pays 

who cannot retire, 

and again 

railroad workers are told, 

Sorry, no sick leave! 


Those are the rules. 

And so they all wait for another 

planet to roll by

or maybe Heaven.


All my life, the world makes 

more and more of those 

who sleep in bunks, who will never own, 

whose lives must fit beneath a tarp. 


Not enough to go around.   

Not enough baby formula.  

Not enough insulin.

Not enough warm coats.

Not enough schools without broken windows.  

Not enough. Not enough.


Just little fixes that don’t fix.  

A high-interest loan, food stamps,

and reminders to say

thank you, Pfizer,

thank you, Elon


thank you for not taking everything,

for leaving the cheap couch

from China, this hand gun,

the crystal meth, 

this last frozen pizza.


Thank you for sharing the air.  


Monday, March 6, 2023

I understand the Deplorables

Those lives that every day peer

into burned out, low down, blood-spotted, 

dirtied air and flooded streets.


I  see them bury their young

from bullets or meth. 


I see what breaks them, 

what has been injected 

with capital’s 

hypodermic’s plunger.


I see their work schedules, the price of eggs.  

I see their souls scared

purple and blue, their lives fragile

as sea shells, 


and I understand why they move 

their hearts from their own chests 

into the chests of Trump, Jesus, Lenin, 

Hitler, Dr Phil.  


Because they are alone and unable

to get what they need, what we all need.


Because we all are the wrong age, 

skin, weight, profession, religion, gender.  


Even I with some privilege want more God/Marx/Magic, 

whatever lets people inherit their own Earth.  


Because it was not he/she/it who 

set things up like this. 

This obscene land of begging 

and obscene stealing. 


The Jeff Besos ilk who smash paychecks

of millions of bread winners 

to enlarge their own monster jackpots.  


And everyone who wants change 

is so afraid to burn down the banks 

because they tag you as Commies

or dummies. 


Because the politicians always say 

it’s the wrong time, 

the wrong candidate

 —but mostly the wrong time —


for health, 

for tuition, 

for teachers, 

for wages, 

for peace, 

for resistance, 

for everything. 


But it is always the right time

for Exxon 

for Lockhead 

for Harvard grads

for the F.B.I. and

for not  


burning down this house 

of emptiness and terrible crimes.


For not building a house 

of prosperity

that stretches to all the Detroits, 

that turns rivers transparent 

and blue again, 

and grows fish that aren’t leaking,

and furnishes fresh green 

things—bell peppers and apples,

and small farms to replace liquor stores,  

and lets air smell  like orange peels

and eyes light up again

for another golden age—

a post Wall Street uber alles 

renaissance—when

finally the gods 

step down from the sun

and fill the void again.  


All week the news keeps newsing ...


...more mass shootings—

5 in Ohio, 

7 in Texas, 

4 in Michigan...


A chorus of promises rains down 

from our leaders

during their permanent rehearsals 

for action 

against guns stacked

in basements,

in night stands,

in shoe boxes...

 

And so it continues 

to rain guns with more 

rain tomorrow

and all of this year

and all of the next...


So that chorus of promises 

worries me here in my kitchen 

where my flowers wilt in fear. 

We feel insecure when 

every day five guys

or fifty 

go soggy

in puddles of blood.


I go to bed and the next morning

the news starts newsing. 

More bloody rain

on the porch,

on the dance floor, 

on the dead's stiff hands

stuck in the air. 


Even now 

the shooters’ anger prowls

around our streets,

waking up our dogs. 


They are not elsewhere,

they are everywhere and

I weep because nothing 

will stop them.  


I beg the editors,

mayors, cops 

and the whole chorus shakes

their heads

and they think about it 

every day

then once a week

then once a year.


The guns drag them

on leashes

to count casings, 

and they all howl

and their tongues thicken

with thoughts and prayers


as rifles point at our beds

squat on our sidewalks, 

enter our schools, 

invisible till 

they stand in our door.  


Thursday, March 2, 2023

I ate enough for two to three....


...every day since Thursday.

Snacked on bites of pie

several times each day.

At least three bags of corn chips

chewed & swallowed, too.

More than once I tell myself —

Go make a big green salad!

Then hand myself

a French baguette & creamy brie,

it having warmed on the counter

all these days & nights, starting

off moon round, then slowly carved

into this crescent.

My self and I discuss a walk.

    A refreshing saunter in the woods

nearby or the lake, various venues

come up often.  

We send signals

back-and-forth all day.  

The one who feels the guilt pretends,

even now, she’s getting ready. 

Just needs a bit more time.

And the microwave hums then beeps.  

gravy & rolls hot again.

A shame to waste the food.

Besides, the damage has been done.

Now the dark inhales the day

so no way am I going out.

Tomorrow for sure,  I swear to the

mirror and the mirror smirks back.

Too many promises have been made,

a quilt of them, bright and patterned, 

every sort of fabric sewn together

with faith in us, even in the liar.

Because this mirror 

has been surprised. 

We have amazed ourselves before.





Wednesday, March 1, 2023

Over toasted bagels make me think of guns



When you live in America

and you try to compose a poem 


 

about over toasted bagels,

 

you think about dying.



 

You want to think about 

how beautiful life is 

with its variety of bagels—blueberry, cheddar, pumpkin—


 

but the image of burned skin 

keeps on mocking you.  



 

So you think of the best bagel you ever had—

cream cheese, lox and sweet red onion 

but the words just don’t flow.

 


What flows is flesh fried 

by a bullet
 in isle 3

 and the last light that shoppers see 

reminds them of the spark from their toaster

that morning.  


What flows is:

 

Click. Click. Click.

 

Hole in the lungs.

Bone in the brain.



 

What flows are the blue lips.


 

What flows are lives spilling out 

all over the floor

 


in the bakery department.

 



Just one more spontaneous outburst
of gunfire 

in the supermarket down the street.  

 


There is a horrific thrill 

of watching 

bodies drop on the security cam

 


like the thrill of seeing a 747 crash 

because 

that could have been 
my flight,


 

my body

sprawling in the bagel isle


but today it isn’t.  


 

Not today.

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Concierge duties


 It’s 6 am in the kitchen, I pour coffee 

when from the dark the thin boy appears

and thrusts his iPhone under my nose.


Look! I just threw up!


I see the photo, a green blob floating in the toilet.


For a better look, my head leans in 

& the little redhead’s voice 

chirps from the bowels of his phone 

where she now seems to live:

You ok, babe?


The boy’s brown orbs grab mine.

You understand, right?

I can’t go to school?


Believe him or not believe him? 

I don’t know anymore.

Two years ago he wouldn’t tell a lie even 

when I demanded one:

Tell your uncle you enjoyed his visit! 

Say it!


The shrink tells me, 

You can’t change him.

So make childhood a safe time.


Resigned, I nod.

I’ll get you a covid test.


My coffee turns cold as I record VM's for the school, 

his counselor, his shrink.


Next I google, Buy a rapid test near me,

write a list: apple juice, clear soup, tylenol.


My friend texts, See you at the trail. 


Wait! I text back. 

Running late: Concierge duties.


The little redhead is pregnant.



Her test kit results 

all over instagram with

shoplifted baby clothes.


She dances 

like a cheerleader for 

a home run 

& my head the ball crushed 

against a wall.  


Our boy smiles when I ask, 

It‘s true?


What rays from his eyes is 

his quick beating heart,

this careless joy. 


But I smother my voice 

so not to 

frighten him into silence.

I approach 

as I would a fawn in a trap 

so he will not dart 

but keep on talking.


You are only 15.


He says he’ll leave school, 

find work for his hands which still look small, 

but nails bitten down, 

clutching his phone where she waits, 

as if that phone were all that keeps his blood flowing.  


And a feeling comes over me, as if 

he had just set fire to every one of his childhood photos; 

the past seeming 

now a myth—our boy 

a soul possessed. 


A new incarnation 

has introduced himself. 


He's not coming back without her


On May 1, 2022 

the boy of 15 meets online 

a dark-haired girl of 14 

with eye lashes black and spindly as spider legs 

& the two video-chat nonstop. 


Their murmurs fill the night.

It is 1 then 3 then 5 AM. 

What is most shocking--

He is talking again!  


The boy imprisoned two years 

in his bedroom by a virus

had come to resemble that silent lonely ghost 

who bursts into TV as a mass killer.

And in his new voice there are the high notes 

of merriment 

& the low notes of secrets being shared.


And then on the morning of May 3, the dark-haired girl

is sitting on his bed.  Panic crossing all our faces 

when I step into his room, 

accelerating when his chest pushes against the door

 and mine thumping and pushing back.  


In silence they grab their backpacks, 

synchronized motions as if they had planned this moment 

and like thieves 

run from the house. 

 

I do not hear from him again for three weeks. 

Waiting, I sweep up his room—condom wrappers, chip bags,

cookie bits—change the bedding and wash what is in his hamper.  

I stare at a pink thong and a padded red bra. 

It hits me hard.  


On May 24, he texts, 

I will never come home without her. 


Monday, January 9, 2023

Where do they go next?

 

My friends are not on my side. 

They scold like old nuns—as if I 

could make this little Catholic girl 

do what I want her to do —

she a child too and someone else‘s—


but to our boy-child I do suggest 

that he suggest 

the A-word:


And then her sobs 

make his phone rock in his hand. 

That sound of a wounded dog yelping 

brings back our sweet Lab’s cry 

when this boy drove his bike over her paw.  

That too was by accident. 


He stares at the floor while his red-headed girl 

begs me to tell him—our love—

               yes, our—he‘s my love too!—

Dont ask me to kill our baby!“


But I tell him something else: 

This is not their baby 

but a clump of unformed matter 

as incomplete 

as a box of Betty Crocker cake mix. 


His face tells me he is weak and torn, 

digging down into the bottom of himself. 

The rhetorics of baking and killing 

jostle in his eyes.  

Betty and Baby.   


And so It will be her crying without shame 

            and, perhaps, the prodding 

            of her pretty three-inch nails 

that will decide where 

they go next.  



We argue again.



 I smell pot again 

hazing from his bedroom. He denies

it because he’s 16 and thinks I am so old 

he can persuade me to distrust my own olfactions.


He displays other corny emotions 

like saying, Fine, I‘ll move in with my mother (the addict) 

or with my dad (who paints his body with magic markers),

       all the while this boy knows I will say 

              what I said, which is that I love you

                                     too much 

but I don’t say the rest, which is 

                              I wish I didn’t

               because life would be easier. 


Wouldn't it?

Wouldn't life be easier 

          without this boy 

                    who struts away grinning while I am still speaking?


This reckless boy with pimples 

and a weird hairdo

                 who seems not to care 

about his mind-body connection 

&  inhales tobacco and pot 

as if they were fresh mountain air?


Or would life be easier without him

to greet at dinner

though white buds breathe sounds 

in both ears?


I try to imagine no voice at all 

in these rooms 

                        where a previous generation 

                        turned up the boom boxes and made 

                        havoc of their brains with my wine.

Imagine. 

Just me here 

with memories of all that 

                but not just that. Of love notes too, 

                and of huddling together 

                on the sofa—all much worth living

over again.   

Only now more helplessly 

because I am unable to persuade a young mind 

without that husband.


I think I would not be happier 

without this boy’s voice deepening daily 

down the hall 


and the giggling little redhead 

who face-times him 24/7. 


I am sure I would not have learned 

to love Juicewrld. 


And I admit it. I love this small garden 

he planted 

for which I paid him $75 

though he used it to buy whatever is wafting 

like burned basil down the hall. 


I wonder often under this part moon, 

here in my Garden of Gethsemane.



Sunday, January 8, 2023

Turning 13


I couldn’t wait. 

Stranded daily by the need

to be a teen—

to be eligible for real life

in a bra, lipstick,

I marked each month 

on the kitchen calendar.


12 is hard. 

Lost affection for dolls, jump ropes.  

Nothing left to beg 

for in the holiday catalogue

except, maybe, 

another board game


but they too are challenged 

by the sudden flame of womanhood—

by the discomfort with too much youth.


Where’s the catalogue for mutants

leaving middle school, 

for busting

into the next life

of hairstyles, boy bands, boys

heartbreak?


For feeling less strange 

in my own home with mom,

herself bored at the dining table,

flipping through catalogues, 

wrestling with age—

Mine and hers, 

for the first time.