Like a kidnapping

  One average day

       on a walk to school, 

 the love the child carries for you

     flushes out like milk                

from a leak in his thermos.  

The way that child looks at you 

     one evening over dinner 

is a look you have not seen before. 

     You can't be sure 

      you saw what you saw.  

The way that child speaks to you 

     is not the same tone, 

not like any previous tone.          

And for a long time, his sweet face                

    appears in your dreams on a

   poster pasted on power lines.  

 The new voice, new gaze sweeps 

     into every moment going forth.

Quiet as midnight,

     cool as that dark.      

All day I stroll with the dog in the redwoods.    

No thoughts of him 

I raised from birth

     who now shaves his face,         

him I pampered and praised--perhaps too much 

     because, well, he was so                

beautiful,  

so tender in all God's ways, 

     and exiled into life with me.     

When I return to the house,      

     it hails me again—

      the strange voice, that novel gaze

—that face-slapping loss.

Of course the dead do not come back

I know, I know        and yet 

ignore this 

            sometimes 

when I pass his chair.

Minds do that:

                  fly 

tree to tree like a hawk

         sensing a heart nearby.

      Today I sit in his chair 

                       and feel he

might come back. 

              His whole beautiful self 

              now getting a break from                 

 clocks and scales--

                     all that holds me here.

One day he might show up again. 

       I’ll say Hon, where have you been?

       I’ll say Don’t leave like that again 

And his right hand 

            will fold around my left.

                       

How true this feels though none 

     can say for sure 

     so I sit in his favorite chair

    and watch for signs                     

      like a hawk.

I've grown used to absence--yours husband

I’ve grown used to absence--

           yours husband.  The clock

       has not stopped since 

you and I sat 

under this patch of sky

             I move around in 

without 

          our quiet conversation.

Now and then your face hoots

through me as a train

       waking up an empty station.

And though it does not stop

        you are once again 

in the picture--you are

       the depot of the life I led

 before this one.

And then 

I return to my day.

Where to begin

Morning is my second favorite time of day. 

The first is twilight.

But that’s another poem. 

Morning, a moment past dawn, if I slept well, 

the possibilities line up before me. 

Do this or that, 

which first, which now, which last?

I brew coffee and sit where the view

Is wide and nothing yet has gone wrong.

Check emails, texts then headlines

for something new and shocking.

Sometimes in the quiet morning light

I think of him who loved me, feel

joy for that abundance where

now famine reins.

Thoughts about the dead bee on the porch

 From the kitchen window tonight,

I see a lump on the porch 

that I know is more than a lump. 

This lump has three legs. 

         Wings. 

It has a heart 

      that was rushing her 

somewhere else 

     not here to the shine.

Surely she did not know 

      what time it was.

Not one of her five eyes could see

      this coming

As she lifted another drip of sugar,

      on her knees, from my

forget-me-nots.

Suddenly my own heart rushes,

      with thoughts of sudden rain, of sudden stings--

of sudden anythings. 

Tomorrow, her sister bees 

       must go
right on sipping

from the brightness.

 

It's too much for a girl

 The Sisters of the Holy Cross teach things 

       that break my heart.

Like Only Catholics go to Heaven. 

    

The infidels 

     must have known this

     when they hired me to babysit.

     

When I lean into his crib, 

he does not wake--he sleeps 

as if 

     his soul were cherished and

secure. 

Then I see his small fists knocking 

      on heaven's gate,

     the teddy bear backpack stuffed 

     with PJ’s, the toy giraffe 

hanging low 

on his back. 

I hear the Angel Gabriel, hard-nosed, 

     Sorry, you're not welcome here.

It’s too much for a girl of 10. 

     And so 

     the small chapel of her soul 

     crumbles--the heavy stones 

    fall off her shoulders 

         to the earth

        below her boots.

Sea shell

There it is again--his voice

calling far away.

A voice like wind swirling

     in a shell. The wind of 

     my blood
     rushing through 

     my ears rolling 

     back the stone

    of my heart.

He is born 

    again in

    that wind.