Ode to my thoughts at midnight

 

Stop this swirling!

Don't cook fears so burning hot

if you want them gone by dawn.

And what a waste of calories!

Thinking should have a noble purpose.

Lock out whatever chills your spine, 

whatever kicks you in the heart--

anything too bold for this late hour.

You know tomorrow they all might go

--and gladly and better so!

Poor agitated mind, stay in the mild zone.

End the day with ease.

Let precious waking time feel not so brief.

Cook thoughts of pleasure and strength.

Please.

For long life's sake.

Why I write poems

A poem plucks me from the day to day

into bygone places--

        in all their glory or distress—

but compressed--liquid flushed--

only glucose in the soft skin

of a raisin 

      pressed onto my blank page.  

I look at the mess up close,

      sometimes for the first time.

A poem can pounce from a scent

and hurl me back 

        to the high school gym.

Or leap from a song and suddenly 

      I am cutting my wedding cake again. 

I can feel it, see it, be it 

     one last time. 

Attraction

At 15, I am introduced

     to my cousin Rudy, 24.

We sit across the table smiling,

    our mothers beside us chatting 

in their mother tongue.

    My teen eyes unprepared for  

his Santa Fe blues and

    my browns retreat.

But a force rises from the ground 

     to push our atoms together, 

commanding my eyes to seal 

     onto his 

and injects a poison that 

     makes it impossible to blink

and I worry our mothers 

     will see this conjunction--

this inability to act--

      and understand.

Clenched fist

Another day and the man who slept beside me for so long shrinks 

      and fades.

Day after day that shrinking, that fading of him.  

       Not long dead yet he is losing visibility

though I clasp hard and strain

       to smell him on this Hawaiian shirt, to hear his timber.

Another day of not seeing a man

I knew by heart.

       More and more spaces between his bones and mine.

Soon I will peer into thin air 

and his happy banter will fade

       like a train whistle rushing into night.

But today I like how I handle that truth.

Today I hear only a squeal from my own heart 

       when I step from my car

under the white bulging overhang of cloud 

       
along the great blue bay.

Geese jabber.  The wind crashes through my coat

and my body shivers as I pass

       the bench where he sat and something

moves hawklike over it and suddenly

I recall his toes were the last

       to disappear into the black plastic bag. 

I remember the weight of his ashes grey as fog,

 heard his knuckles cracking.

      

My fists clench in the cold shower 

       of recall.

Chandelier

How gorgeous that moon—
a dazzling chandelier!  


Easy to forget its truth:
 

A land without air—

not at all a
 better world —

it would kill me
 given half a chance.  



I never tire of it.


Every full moon, half moon--any phase of it--feels 

new and gay, lighting my nights, 

counting my days.



I see myself bouncing in its spiky dust.  


Eyes fixed on earth below—


that gorgeous palace! 

The shock of seeing home

alone in that empty awesome black


would change me.


Years after, while brushing my teeth, that memory 

would assail me—blue earth circling

 in the ink of infinite sleep. 

It would stop my pulse. The mystery of it.


The total mystery of it. 

Nothing left to do

 There is a pointlessness to it: walking 

into your old bedroom each morning.

I don’t want to make too much of it—

you’re a man now— designed 

to move on. 

But every morning I open your blinds

and the sun lifts up 

over the hill outside your window 

and casts a melted butter hue 

that transforms your window 

into a theater screen, of sorts, 

and though you’ve been gone 

more than a year, I like to lean against 

your bedroom door 

to catch the flick--a trailer really,

content to play in this room only-- 

about those everyday moments—

nothing too dramatic—

your stuffed Barney, forts made from sheets, 

an overstuffed suitcase for summer camp, 

the box of condoms under the bed—

jumbled days all, but that movie 

can move me to tears.  

And there’s nothing left to do now

but watch the movie play —

life means letting go, letting 

every single thing go. 

Stepping out

 The calls from hospice come every 

day now. 

       Another weakening,

              a further descent. 

My brother's eyes hardly open, 

no quiver under lids. 

His life a dreamless sleep, I am told,

       he swims away from his shipwrecked flesh. 

            Nearly gone, stepping out 

of it as he would from a suit, 

        loosening the tie, unbuttoning the shirt, dropping the jacket to the floor, 

              one by one. 

What can death take that this deep

      sleep has not already stolen ?

Today a nurse puts the phone to his ear 

       so I can speak, Frank, I love you. 

 

She's sure he hears me.   

      She says hearing's the last to go. 

No loved one stands beside his bed.  

     No wife.  No child.  No God.  

            Just my voice from another world, 

my words conjuring for his vanishing mind, 

      a compass star 

             on a dusking sky. 

That is my hope.  It is all I can hope. 

       There's nothing left but that.