Friday, August 14, 2020

Clearing things out

When our kids grew up and left, 

one at a time, with each we

wonder the same things: 

what are they eating, 

what are they wearing. 

How do they spend their nights 

without us. 


The house more silent with each 

departure. When the last one drives away,  

all of California grows still.


We still have each other to talk to,

 my man likes to say, and then we talk 

about the kids, what they might be wearing, 

where they might be going.  


And he likes to say, Come, let's have dinner.  

We can still have dinner.  

And so we have dinner and talk 

about the old dinners, 

what they liked to eat and what not 

when we used to have family dinners.


And he also likes to say, Come let's take a walk. 

We can still take a stroll. 

And so we stroll past a meadow 

where kids play soccer, 

past a playground 

with kids on slides.


The day we clear out the last room, 

our son says, Keep the yearbooks, 

the trophies, the snowboards.


All that childhood flotsam now

stacked neatly in the dark. 


Never again

The boy next to me

 eats from a bag of fast food 

without looking up 

from his phone.


I who does not exist 

now am free 

to aim my camera 

at his long curls


My thoughts simple with wonder: 

When did he become this new thing?


A little man at age 14

now precisely wears those jeans.


For years the boy says, I love you 

every time he leaves the room, ever since


the parents dropped from sight 

while he crawled like a crab 

across the sand.


Last summer I saw the man coming when

his sentences ran shorter, words flew out  


I'd never heard,  he hummed along

to Lil this and Lil that


and his hair styles grew 

more interesting.


I was not awake that first time 

he crossed the border

without me to his new life.


The shorebirds call out 

from the Bay

--more beings I cannot understand--


And I  hear a small voice, 

a distant foghorn at dusk,

 I love you grandma.




If I don't raise my voice

 He gives me one eye, one ear

but only if I raise my voice.


I don't want to raise my voice

but if I don't, his mind drives off


into the backroads and hides.

At some point, I ask myself


should I let him be a gamer, fail

school, pay his dues? 


His cat would starve if 

I don't feed him. He says


let him hunt mice or just

return him to the SPCA.


Kids can only love so long.

Just ask the cat and me.